how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
