He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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