I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
