I can tuck mytits in my pants
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
