fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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