The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
home. puking in laundry basket.
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i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
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I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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