My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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