how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
