I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
