How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
