I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
