Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
