dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
