My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
