I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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