I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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