I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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