Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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