Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
