either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
