we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
