thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
