the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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