just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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