WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
