he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
