I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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