just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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