ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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