i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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