Redeem this text for a blowjob
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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