imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
