theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
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yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
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So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life