what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Congratulations! We have a period
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
