If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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