put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
one might say we're banned from that church
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
