Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Im part way to drunk.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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