The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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