She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
