so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
