I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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