if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
