My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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