She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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