Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
there is glitter all over my balls
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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