She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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