i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
