saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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