the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
