Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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