I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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