what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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