Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
