When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Randomize
