I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
