Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
